She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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