Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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