one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
