everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
