K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just wanna soil my oats bro
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
