Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
