Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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