so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
