i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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