Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
