Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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