Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
