I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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