Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
