The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
