YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
