you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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