I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
