If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
me + whiskey = a bad person
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
