that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
