My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
