happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
