I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
