My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Someone signed my nipple.
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