you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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