I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
