My sheets look like a crime scene.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
