broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
