so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
