I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
