I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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