I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
