We're like a lot better than the average bears
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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