i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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