The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
