All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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