He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
