He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
