Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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