Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
