Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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