It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
