So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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