Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
