I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
