Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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