I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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