So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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