Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
