okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Come on in and take your pants off
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