I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
