I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
