One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
